Pooperman (A Superman Parody)
by J.B. Truckin
Summary: Faster than a flushing toilet, more powerful than a stimulant laxative, it's a turd, it's a fart, it's Pooperman!
1. Introduction

Superman may be America's number one superhero, but who's number two?

This story is rather immature, but what did you expect when you clicked on this? It's rated T for Toilet Humor!

I take no responsibility for anyone getting grossed out. You have been forewarned!


	2. Issue 1: The Origins of Pooperman

From the creators of Buttman and The Flush, comes Pooperman – strange visitor from the planet Krapton who came to Earth with bowels far beyond those of mortal men. Pooperman – who can change the pollution levels of mighty rivers, bend toilet paper rolls with his bare hands (hey, it's harder than it sounds), and who, disguised as Clark Krapp, mild-mannered reporter for the Daily Constitutional, farts a never ending battle for Truth, Regularity, and the American Standard!

Pooperman was born on planet Krapton, home to a people of incredibly strong smell. They lived in peace and plenty until the brown sun of Krapton exploded in a massive fart, killing everyone on the planet. But with the foresight of his parents, Pooperman was sent to the planet Earth just before Krapton was destroyed.

He was discovered by the Krapp family of Smellville, who were hard-working American manure farmers. They named him Clark and raised him as their own. But, due to the influence of being born under the brown sun of Krapton, the infant's stench was a thousand times stronger than that of a normal Earth baby. Luckily, the child of Krapton's new parents were already used to the smell, so they didn't even notice.

Many years passed on the Krapp farm. After his adoptive father died tragically (from falling into the cesspit under the family's outhouse), the young Krapp was summoned to the Fartress of Solitude, also known as the downstairs bathroom. There, he found his famous all-brown uniform. His father, Ex-Lax, appeared in the mirror, to explain Clark's true origins and to show him how to use his powers for the good of humanity.

"Teach them to eat fiber, my son," said Ex-Lax. "And remember, stay away from Kraptonite! If you touch it, you will lose your powers!"

"Whatever, Dad," said Clark nonchalantly.

Enlightened to his true path in life, Clark decided to use his powers to help others and fight crime. He tried to conceal his secret identity by becoming a reporter at the local newspaper, the Daily Constitutional. He disguised himself by wearing glasses, which to his dim-witted co-workers, made him look totally different from his alter ego. But he still couldn't disguise the smell.

Next issue:

This Looks Like a Job for Pooperman!


	3. Issue 2: This Is a Job for Pooperman

At the Daily Constitutional, Clark made a shining impression on his co-workers and boss for his diligent reporting.

"Cut the crap, Krapp. You're just pulling these stories out of your ass!" said Potty Wipe, editor of the Daily Constitutional and chronic constipation sufferer.

"I don't mean to raise a stink, Mr. Wipe," said Krapp meekly. "I just think that this story might be important."

"Well, you can take that story and shove it up…" shouted Mr. Wipe.

Clark picked up a newspaper off Mr. Wipe's desk, and read the headline:

NO MOVEMENT IN SIGHT: CONSTIPATION EPIDEMIC STRIKES CITY

"You're constipated again, aren't you, sir?" interrupted Clark.

"I haven't gone in 5 days! I've tried everything. Prunes, laxatives, nothing helps," said Mr. Wipe. "Say, you seem to have no problem going, Krapp. What's your secret?"

Just then, an advertisement appeared on the TV in Mr. Wipe's office.

"Tired of constipation?" said the pitchman. "Try Krap-Tonite, a strong and effective laxative made by LaxCorp! It stimulates the colon so that you can go, go, go! Remember, with Krap-Tonite, you will crap tonight!"

"Hey, I could use that!" exclaimed Mr. Wipe, as he ran out of his office toward the nearest pharmacy.

The word "Krap-Tonite" made Clark uneasy, though he could not remember why.

In walked Lois Stain, Clark's co-worker and love interest. She took his breath away and she felt the same way about him.

"What is that terrible smell? Oh…sorry, I didn't see you Clark." asked Lois, disgusted.

"Lois…I was thinking…would you like to go out for lunch tomorrow?" stammered Clark.

"No, I'm doing an interview with the head of LaxCorp about the constipation crisis," replied Lois, holding her nose.

Showing up to work the next day, Clark noticed that the office was empty, except for the long line in front of the restrooms. He saw his friend Jimmy Colon standing in line.

"Hey, Jimmy, what's going on?" asked Clark.

"Yesterday we were all constipated. Now everyone has the runs!" said Jimmy.

"That's terrible," remarked Clark.

"But business is great! We haven't sold this many newspapers in years!" said Jimmy.

"Because of our great stories?" asked Clark.

"No, all the stores have run out of toilet paper," replied Jimmy.

At that moment, Clark realized that this was the moment he had been waiting his entire life for. The purpose for why he was sent to Earth. It was time for him to become Pooperman.

He ran outside to the nearest Port-o-Potty, where he changed his clothes. Emerging from the Port-o-Potty, he said: "This looks like a job for Pooperman!"

Pooperman flew around the town, helping out with serious emergencies, like clogged toilets. He was instantly loved by everyone who met him. After doing a few good deeds, he flew back to the Daily Constitutional, where a crowd of reporters and townsfolk had gathered.

Flushed with pride, Pooperman gave a brief speech to the crowd.

"And the moral of the story is, just say no to harsh chemical laxatives! Any questions?" said Pooperman.

"What does the 'S' on your uniform stand for?" said Lois.

"Well, it starts with an 's' and ends with hit," said Pooperman.

"Surefire hit!" exclaimed Lois enthusiastically.

"Exactly!" said Pooperman, after a pause.

"Are you from Uranus?" asked Jimmy, prompting a few giggles from the crowd.

"No, that is a common misconception. I am from the planet Krapton," said Pooperman.

"Now I must _go_. Poop, poop, and away!" said Pooperman, launching off the ground and flying through the air. He was cheered by the crowd below, who held their noses until he was out of sight (and smell).

Little did he know, but Pooperman would be flying into the clutches of his archnemesis, Lax Looser!

Next Issue: The Thrilling Conclusion!


	4. Issue 3: The Thrilling Conclusion

After a morning of performing good deeds, Pooperman returned to the Daily Constitutional disguising himself as Clark Krapp, excusing his absence as an extraordinarily long bathroom break. That afternoon, Lois had left to interview the mysterious head of LaxCorp. But she never returned. Suddenly realizing that Lois could be in mortal danger, Pooperman flew immediately to LaxCorp. Just as he walked in the door, he came face-to-face with a familiar villain.

"Lax Looser! My worst enema!" exclaimed Pooperman.

"Pooperman! I knew you were coming. I smelled you a mile away," said Lax.

"Where's Lois?" said Pooperman.

Lax pointed to Lois, who was gagged and bound to a chair. Above her head was a giant tank full of farm-fresh manure.

"Mmmmff! Mmmmmff!" said Lois.

"Now that is a load of crap! Ha!" laughed Lax.

"Why are you doing this?" cried Pooperman.

"Here is my evil plan: First, I launched my Constipation Ray over the city to make everyone constipated. Then I got everyone hooked on my laxatives. Now I get rich and take over the world!" said Lax. "But first I need to stop you from meddling."

Lax pulled out a small plastic bottle attached to a metal chain.

"What's that?" asked Pooperman, suddenly feeling weak.

"It's extra-strength Krap-Tonite, Pooperman! Your only weakness!" said Lax.

"Oh no! Not Krap-Tonite!" said Pooperman, buckling at the knees.

"But first, here's a riddle for you: What do you do when the unstoppable force meets the immovable object?" said Lax.

Mustering his last bit of strength, Pooperman replied: "You take a stool softener."

Lax put the Krap-Tonite bottle around Pooperman's neck, causing him to become completely paralyzed, as if he had fallen off a horse (yes, I know, I'm a terrible person).

"Aw, all pooped out?" asked Lax, with a smirk. Lax dragged Pooperman to a room with a giant circular pool that had a large porcelain tank suspended above it. He then pushed Pooperman into the pool, and pulled on a rope suspended from the ceiling. The pool suddenly turned into a whirlpool, draining down into a hole in the bottom. As Pooperman swirled around down the drain, he realized the nature of his predicament. He was in deep doo-doo.

"Feeling a little _flushed_ , Pooperman?" laughed Lax maniacally.

But there was something deep inside Pooperman that was very powerful. It wasn't courage or love or anything stupid like that. It was gas.

Unleashing all the gas in his bowels, Pooperman released the stinkiest, loudest fart ever recorded on planet Earth, knocking Lax flat. "Curse you!" cried Lax, before he passed out.

But the fart's shockwave had a terrible unintended effect: it opened the tank filled with manure right onto Lois! Digging through the manure pile, Pooperman pulled out Lois's lifeless body. Stricken with grief, Pooperman wondered what he could have done to save her. Then he thought of his something that his Earth father had said just before he fell into the privy. What did the wise old Krapp say?

"Follow your in-stinks."

Using up all of his poop powers, Pooperman flew around the world, propelled by his own gas. He turned back time to the very moment that Lois was about to be smothered in manure, saving her before his own deadly fart would lead to her demise.

Rescuing Lois, Pooperman flew through the air back to the Daily Constitutional. Back in Mr. Wipe's office, things were busy as usual.

"Sir! I have breaking news!" exclaimed Jimmy.

"What's the poop, Colon?" asked Mr. Wipe.

"Look out the window, sir! It's Pooperman!" exclaimed Jimmy.

"I don't give a flying crap!" retorted Mr. Wipe, turning to look out the window. At that very moment, Pooperman and Lois flew by the window of Mr. Wipe's office.

"Well whaddya know, it's a flying crap!" said Mr. Wipe, in shock.

Landing in front of a crowd of reporters, Pooperman gently placed the damsel in distress back on the ground.

"Thank you for saving me, Pooperman! How can I ever repay you?" said Lois, no longer bothered by the smell.

"I'm not Pooperman, anymore, Lois," he said as he put on his eyeglasses. "I'm just a regular guy!"

THE END


End file.
